Glory! (2)

Already, I cannot recognise myself. Pets I knew can no longer come close. I live a Life now and I wonder where and when it started. I remember a past and ask who was that? I know He has just started. I relish when He finishes. Already, I am a missile waiting to be released, an arrow in The Quiver of the Almighty. The devil is shaking, I know. he is trying. But I know the God that created me is Larger than Life.

 

 The Love I sought, was, is and always will be Him. Words fail me to scrape just the surface of the Worship that should truely be His. I search for words and I find myself empty. How do I serve a God that astounds me. He shows up a Mighty Warrior garbed in white and with a fierce countenance when I call on Him. I am the one who pities my enemies. Because I have a God who is Mighty to save; garbed in white and ever ready to fight and avenge me.

 

What can I do? Can I talk of the understanding that only He could have given? Or of the eyes He opened that was beyond me to. Can I talk of the deliverance He gave? Or of His gently walking me through murky waters and dark lights? Can I talk of faeces cleaned, smells deleted and me shrouded in freshness as sweetly scenting as the morning light? Can I talk of victories given time after time even when I had let myself go so repeatedly? Can I talk of power restored, strengths given and walks through the dirts of life as the immortal One who is an Everlasting Light would not leave alone a Daughter of Zion that should have known better.

 

Purity and Holiness, Light and Immortality walking the deep, dank dirty depths beside and because of a daughter who would not acknowledge the mortality of her present living. He would never let her go, even as she splashed vainly through murky waters that could never work ought on Never-Ending-Light, hurting the very One Whom she needed the most, the Very One Whom she sought.

 

Words fail me to worship God who lives in Unapproachable Light but Covers the distance between Him and His kids in instants of Wisdom and perfect timing. Words fail me to worship The One who is Purer than the reflection of the sun on the flow of silken waters rushing over rain cleansed river beds. His song in my ears is sweeter than the song of a thousand nightingales; than the sound of the tinkles of a thousand bells wafting across the rich depths of loam infused greens on a sunny crisp beaut of an afternoon.

 

Hitherto, I worshipped no one. No one because none was worth it that I had worshipped albeit ignorantly. None was worshipped that was God.  None I worshipped could be God. But now I worship The ONE - The One and Only true God, The Only True Husband of every human who would receive Him. I have only but a glimpse, a shadow of what is to come. But the shadow is Lighter, Sweeter, infinitely and indescribably Lighter, Sweeter and Purer than any so called light I have ever known outside of Him- My Love...

Glory!

Where have I been? Even I can not say. I doubt I know myself, the dank, deep depths I have been or what the devil had planned for further. From a very young age I knew God. It was a deep, practically tangible, solid 'knowing. It was a priviledge. Like most priviledges though, I took it for granted.

Knowing God meant I couldn't go the way of the world. It meant I wouldn't 'fit'. I sold my relationship with God and threatened my birthright with Him so I could 'fit' in. 'Fit' into what? The lies and the illusion that is the world that we live in.

I did things because they were expected. I borrowed slangs and attitudes that made me fit in. Inside me I knew I never really fit. The fact that I was not meant to be where I was, not meant to do what I did, nagged and bit at me until I would return back to God.... and then promptly go back to the world. Why? Because I never knew who I was or why I believed these 'things' that so kept me from living the world's 'good' life. I did not know who I was.

So started my journey in rising and falling, forward and backward movements and short spurts of shorter lived growth. I would think if the devil had let me find what I wanted and given me peace, maybe allowed me live the life I wanted to live, fitting into the world without disturbing me, I might have been lost to God forever. Or maybe not!

Even when it seemed I did get what I wanted I did not have peace. Even when it did not make sense, I knew I was wrong. The ways of God, never did make sense to mortal man. How we thought, ever could think and still think we could fit God into and grasp Him in our finite brains, beats me! The infinite God, to be summarised by finite man! Laughable!

Somehow, sometimes, I would get my wish... and I would leave it. Longing for it, usually returning to it repeatedly but never fully staying in it or having peace in it, I would detach with much pain. The longings would rarely if ever stop immediately. Somehow, I would trudge on. Mistake after, mistake, fall after fall, shame after shame. Until...

He arrested me one day. I had been praying for deliverance. I needed to be set free from mindsets, from things that were just not right, from attitudes I knew were bringing me more trouble and causing me more pain than all their manifestations put together. I knew there was an underlying cause. That day I had been confused again. Crying for help I had sought the one person I should have ran away from. A person who needed God, played God in my life and spurned, ridiculed and put me to shame. Maybe that was the day God decide He had taken enough that a daughter of Zion be rendered incapacitated. I cried that day and told God my helplessness. Like a dog kicked in and ridden over, I shriveled before my Creator and Master. I had sold out my birthright. If I were to receive judgement, death would have been the least I was due. Yet, I cried out. Knowing I was created better, for better, yet shriveling like a cornered animal. I lived not for the lie that I had lived but for the life that He had deposited in me.

 

Something began that day- the end of the last of a long line of masters I had self confessed not because they could ever be my masters nor ever were but because I had rather hand over the reins of my life to pets I had beefed up so I could live the delusions I wanted so badly to believe. While deluding myself with illusions I wanted to live, I primed them up. Now I dont kow what is happening. I just know that God is on the Throne and He reigns Larger than ever; larger than life itself on my heart. I want Him in and never out.

To be continued...

 

Come, Lord Jesus...

Today has been inspiring. Gradually I find myself getting there. One sad story after the other gets flung into my past and each day God's Glory, Grace and Power, shows up on my behalf. Like the typical story of Joshua in the Book of Zechariah, I am 'a brand plucked out of the fire'. Something strange happened especially today, though. My boss' friend, who is also somewhat my boss did something strange. Usually having the mien and disposition of the strong silent type, apart from the occasional good natured laughter he shared with us, I had watched as this man gradually unravelled under the unction of the Holy Spirit. Over the last week or two, I have watched this man minister to me and allow himself to be tremendously used of God in answering certain questions he did not even know I had asked. Daily over the last couple of weeks, he opened up, discussed, laughed, just spoke and I was constantly being ministered to. Totally unaware of what he was doing but definitely doing the work of his Father, I got pushed, encouraged, warned, rebuked and so on. Then, yesterday... I don't even know exactly what I did. I remember pottering around my office; putting things in order, arranging my boss' stuff. Yes, I had gone to the bank to make a deposit for Mr. A. I had given him, his deposit slip, his small change along with some flyers I had left in the envelope which I had hoped would be useful for me somehow- they weren't. Mr. A had made some small joke about banks ripping us off and keeping us bound with enticing loan offers and he had stepped out. I saw him stay outside a bit, talk to a neighbor staff, balk a little. I went about my business, still pottering... And like a sudden bolt he was back at the door. I looked up and he dropped the bombshell... 'You have a good heart', he said. He couldn't have stunned me more if he'd hit me over the head with a sledgehammer. I stuttered, I sputtered, I was speechless... And if you knew me in my heydays you'd know that was a rare occurrence and even now, as I struggle to walk in the Spirit and not be caught with the words of my mouth by the enemy, it is still easier to catch me slipping into verbosity than stunned silence... Or even stuttering. Lol. Mr. A turned. Apparently, whatever missile he was supposed to send had hit its mark and I was left with the rubble. First was the thought, 'Where did that come from?'. Then discomfort the entire day. For someone who was not afraid to talk and talk loud especially back in the day, I don't really recall a time I ever took compliments well; talk even less of compliments that had to do with spiritual virtue or strength. I preferred they remained unspoken. Speaking of them distracts me faster than a curveball at a car on breakneck speed... Usually with potentially more dangerous consequences, I am more fearful of experiencing rather than having actually experienced. I become self conscious as compliments tend to make me uncomfortable- especially spiritual ones. I'm wishing Mr. A hadn't voiced that particular one. Suddenly I felt stifled. 'Holy Spirit', I kept pleading inside myself. Then it came to me- I was to take that compliment as one directed at God, not me. I was to give glory to God for it and despite the fact that I wanted to crawl under a rock because of it, I realised that it was not about me at all. I had been given a mandate by heaven - to shine in darkness (Isaiah 61:1), to be a salt of the earth and a light (Matthew 5:13-14). If somehow God was recommending me before man, the least I can do is thankfully and gracefully receive same. Not as an endorsement of my perfection but as a tribute to the Ever Living God in whom (I) live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28). Far from naturally or humanly perfect, I will take the Grace that God has given to me and clothe myself in the warmth of His Righteousness (Romans 3:21-22). Not because I am perfect, but because He is. Thank you, Lord Jesus. Come, Lord Jesus(Revelation 22:20)