As I went
back into myself to help myself and reached outwards to my Creator but finding
him deep within, I realized that I had lost many ‘friends’ for my behavior.
Whether or not they were worth keeping in the first place was another cup of
tea because the same behaviour that brought many questionable friends was the
same that brought the most questionable in conscience, vision or the fear of
God. Not saying much for me, eh?
Some had
chased me away the best way they knew how- in some instances, in the strongest
way possible. I should have known those who stuck had to be at best, strange
and at worst, dishonourable. I had wondered why this particular ‘friend’ had stuck.
I realized, it was never to help me through, though they were willing to listen-
listening was to give them ‘ammo’. I realized it was never to see me overcome.
It was just to keep me bound so they could always come and get something; get something
for themselves one way or another.
Deluded,
they needed me blind. Conscienceless, they needed me spiritually dead. I had
reviled the ones who had chased me away. Today, I thank them- they would have
got me thinking. Not the same old placid silent killer I had nurtured, loved
and looked out for while I deteriorated.
I have since
realised you don’t spend hours on the phone, days on end with any human without
a vision. I have since realised the drive or ambition of a human is useless to
me when not embedded in God. I have since realised that not everyone who comes
after you cares for you.
I have come
to realise that while it is common knowledge that ‘money don’t buy class’, I
had had to learn the lesson that the wrong kind of people cut across black
suits, rig overalls and blue coveralls.
I have come
to realise that there are people who would stick close to you not because they
care but just because they want to use you; because of what they can get from
you. But these are of lesser worry to those who stick around you to your
detriment- not just to take from you but would willingly destroy you. There are
people who stick around you and depending on where you are, you are going to be
turned against your own self.
It is left
to you to take responsibility for yourself. Be a Victor not a victim. No one
ever is a victim. A set of happenstances allowed sets them up for that. But no
one is ever a victim…
… And I have
also realized that I am a Queen destined for greatness; that I have the seed of
God in me and no human defines me. That I have fought battles that few can
understand, being through things that would destroy many, ate from the hands of
snakes and I am still standing- because God made it so!
To His glory I realise
that anyone too blind to see these strengths in me, anyone who would set me up,
anyone who would use my weaknesses against me is not a friend- is worth neither
my time nor my effort.
I know who I
am on the inside. I know where I am going. Most importantly, I know the God
that I serve. I have no excuses, no apologies…
No to an
enemy that comes closer than a friend... Not to anybody.
