I wrote this about two Decembers ago. It still rings true! With about two sentences added to clarify, I present it...
Too many times I look back into my past and it’s not
a pretty sight. I regret, I rue, I detest, I hate, I’m angry. But what’s the
common denominator in all these feelings? The presence of one bad choice or the
other. Usually and more specifically, one wrong dalliance or the other? Why? I
was lonely. I had so many of these pitiful images of being shunted off by my
knight in shining armour and it didn’t occur to me that I had to do much else
with my life than sit down and look out for him. Of course, vision-less and sedated on the highs of romantic lies I floated from one useless relationship
to another degenerate one.
Now, I wake up, a survivor. There are good girls but
I wasn’t one of them. For some reason people thought I was and I don’t know
why. You don’t get the number of notches I made in mistakes and still make the
good girl list. I don’t think so. Mistakes in my choice of dates, mistakes in
my choice to put who I was dating at any material point in time over and above
my personal good and while I practically never clubbed, or crawled nights, I’m
still not white so tell me how I am still a good girl?
Anyway, I am a survivor because I didn’t stay down
and I didn’t stay back. Somehow God wouldn’t let me. It is Him because I can’t
explain any other way, the drive I have to keep going, to keep getting better, to
never give up. It’s certainly not me or I wouldn’t have made the mistakes in
the first place.
I move on now. I’m looking at my future before me. For
the first time it has never been more clearly defined. But my old acts rear up.
It’s not going to go out quietly. But I know
it for what it is now. An enemy against all that is good and true about me. An
enemy that would fight tooth and nail to make me impure and less than I truly
am. I’m not going to let it get to me.
Not again. There is a continual
fight against this gravitational force. I am better than it says and it won’t
have the last word. I can’t let it. I was created for infinitely so much
better. I have to see that come to pass in my life.
My life is looking at me as it stands before me. I won’t
sit helplessly jaded in this same old chair, eating the same old bland food. It
tastes like foam, anyway! Bland, uninspiring, boring…
I don’t care how many wrongs choices I’ve made. I know
there are flawless folks out there and I am not one of them. I am not bothered.
God made me a survivor. And that is all that matters. I have a story to tell
and to the Glory of God it is the story of victory- our (God and I’s) victory.
So what is it going to be for you? Are you going to
be drawn back on the same old ropes of loneliness eating the same old fruits it
gives? Are you going to be drawn back to
the same old mess? Choices you could never pick in your right senses?
Or are you going to make a choice for God? For vision?
A better you? A sense retrieved. Maybe
even senses? Are you going to make a choice for a better you? A reflection of
all the qualities you know you have but you have rarely if ever shone through?
Yeah, the devil is going to make a play for you. He’s
got a hell of an army (and I don’t mean that just literally. Lol!) but God is
better. And Mightier. And He’s got the greatest army. (I should know. I am one
of them) And He’ll always be there. Long after the devil’s gone.
Are you going to pay the price of loneliness – dead end
relationship after dead end relationship, or are you going to pay the price for
vision- a little (or big, depending on how you look at it and where you are)
discomfort every now and then but ever growing glory as you see yourself get better
and better than you ever thought.
There is usually a price to pay for exhibiting goodness
but you don’t ever have to look far to get it. All the good you need is already
embedded deep inside of you. God put it
there. And that price you pay for exhibiting it? It’s always worth it if only
you would take a closer look. So what’s it going to be?
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