I sat waiting for Christ to come and touch
me. I realise now that I waited because I did not know Him. I was so sure He
had abandoned me. My sins so ‘great’ and ‘special’ there was nothing to look
forward to but that sure judgment spoken of in Hebrews 10:27.
Yet, even as I write this I hear in my
spirit that, that judgment is for the unrepentant. Even more is my realization
that I did not go to God, nay, in fact, I did not allow Him to touch me because
I did not see who He was. I had ceased to know God, so my expectations of Him
were off. I was beginning to see things and expect things that were not
consistent with who He is, was or will be. If I could just catch a glimpse of Him, of Who He is and set it in my heart and change it not, then I would have a firm idea of
the never changing God.
Anyways, I spent days and nights fearing,
waiting for a miracle, when the only miracle I needed was the one that would
happen in my heart- the one where I would see Him.
I finally saw Him the afternoon I sat on my
bed and listed to my audio Bible. By the leading of the Holy Spirit I clicked
on the book of Matthew… and there He was! And still is!... the God that would
never give up on His own. As I heard of His invitation to ask, seek and knock
and their attendant promises, it occurred to me that I had not been faithful in
my understanding of God. He had made promises. I was not even obeying His
invitations enough to appropriate their results by faith because I had to
first believe that my God would do what He said He would- it was vital to standing by His
Word, that irrevocable knowing that His very Nature cannot lie and would do
what He said He would do. In fact had done what He said He would do.
It was not about me waiting for Him to
answer my prayers it was about me knowing that He had answered my prayers and
wherever I was per time, even if it was in the threat of an overflowing scourge,
mortal shame or whatever else I found too morbid to describe, in the midst of
all that, I am to know that all is well because He does not only know, but He
is not deaf. He is not blind. He is in it with me. And my peace came when I
said, if this is what God wants then I am fine with it. If He has allowed it,
then no matter how shameful I think this is, then I am accepting. Praying yes,
but no longer revolting. No longer thinking where is my God? No longer
expecting Him to come because I know now that He has been with me from the word ‘go’.
I realise now what they say when they tell
of God being with you and you look back and realise that in the worst of it
all, there was always room for thanks because He was there all along. Suddenly,
he shows up. He’s been testing you. Getting you to realise that when you do not
get the answer you desire, the answer you want, that He is not only there with
you and working things out for your good, training your muscles and helping you
see but also letting you realise that when you do not see him in the way you
expect, He is still there. He might be behind the cloud, close but covered, but still there. So you come to know,
learn, to have Faith in His Nature.
So that when you do not hear from Him, or
when you do not hear from Him how you expect, or in what you expect you must
have faith in His Unchanging Nature. And in the first place, in any situation,
you must know that He is there with you. Even when you mess up, the instant you
repent truly, He comes running. And though the things around you might not
change how you expect, you must know that He is working everything out for your
good and everything, even EVERYTHING would fall in place eventually. Why? Because that is His Nature.
