Trust, Wait - Stand!

I am sitting here wondering, ‘what?’ It is one of those days when you want a particular kind of man- one that fits just so. I hope I am not about to get into trouble.

Truth is, no man fits... just so- except in novels. Subject to the whims and caprices of the author, a magnificent man is created- the Ideal! 

Usually, being a woman, she can capture it so succinctly that it appeals to the hearts of women all over. What chance do real life men have?

Here I am, indoctrinated to the hilt with a faux pas sense of reality- when it comes to romance, anyway.

Gradually, like the scales off the back of a fish, the scales fall off my eyes. Like the layers off an onion, lies are peeled back- but not fast enough.

I want to be saved from these lies sooner, faster. I fear that I would fall, crumble before my help comes.

But how have I done thus far? I have not helped myself. That which I now know, I did not before and I certainly did not teach myself.

It stands to reason that God is working on me. If not fast enough, then it must be that I now think I can save myself or know better than the One who has been saving me- and if I can save myself, then how? Considering I did not know how to in the first place, is why He got in, in the first place!

Trust! I’m gonna have to trust. Trust that He knows what He is doing. Trust that I am a project in the Hands of the Most High. Trust that if He knew to answer my prayers and come help me, then He knows how to go about it. Trust that since He knows how to go about it, He also knows when, to the last, tiny, perfect moment, is best to perfect every li’l detail.

Wait! I’m gonna have to wait, knowing that He is never late. If He started it, then He will finish it. If He was interested enough to get in, in the first place, then He definitely does not want to mess this up. It means that I can’t possibly want this to be over with, faster or sooner than He does. So if He isn’t rushing, then He must know His Pace is best.

Waiting also involves – Standing!- standing on His Word, His Way, not compromising, just waiting. This is the time when all sorts of poison begin to look like food. You don’t wanna go there- like a beautiful word I once heard- ‘There’s a God-sized hole in your heart, and only God can fill it.’ Let him!

If God has brought me this far, I sure want to see how He ends it. Those other ways haven't worked, anyway!

So I’ll Wait.. Standing on His Word… And Trusting... I’ll wait for Him until my Help comes… Or in this case, until my help is perfected. ;)  

God's Nature

I sat waiting for Christ to come and touch me. I realise now that I waited because I did not know Him. I was so sure He had abandoned me. My sins so ‘great’ and ‘special’ there was nothing to look forward to but that sure judgment spoken of in Hebrews 10:27.

Yet, even as I write this I hear in my spirit that, that judgment is for the unrepentant. Even more is my realization that I did not go to God, nay, in fact, I did not allow Him to touch me because I did not see who He was. I had ceased to know God, so my expectations of Him were off. I was beginning to see things and expect things that were not consistent with who He is, was or will be. If I could just catch a glimpse of Him, of Who He is and set it in my heart and change it not, then I would have a firm idea of the never changing God.

Anyways, I spent days and nights fearing, waiting for a miracle, when the only miracle I needed was the one that would happen in my heart- the one where I would see Him.

I finally saw Him the afternoon I sat on my bed and listed to my audio Bible. By the leading of the Holy Spirit I clicked on the book of Matthew… and there He was! And still is!... the God that would never give up on His own. As I heard of His invitation to ask, seek and knock and their attendant promises, it occurred to me that I had not been faithful in my understanding of God. He had made promises. I was not even obeying His invitations enough to appropriate their results by faith because I had to first believe that my God would do what He said He would- it was vital to standing by His Word, that irrevocable knowing that His very Nature cannot lie and would do what He said He would do. In fact had done what He said He would do.

It was not about me waiting for Him to answer my prayers it was about me knowing that He had answered my prayers and wherever I was per time, even if it was in the threat of an overflowing scourge, mortal shame or whatever else I found too morbid to describe, in the midst of all that, I am to know that all is well because He does not only know, but He is not deaf. He is not blind. He is in it with me. And my peace came when I said, if this is what God wants then I am fine with it. If He has allowed it, then no matter how shameful I think this is, then I am accepting. Praying yes, but no longer revolting. No longer thinking where is my God? No longer expecting Him to come because I know now that He has been with me from the word ‘go’.

I realise now what they say when they tell of God being with you and you look back and realise that in the worst of it all, there was always room for thanks because He was there all along. Suddenly, he shows up. He’s been testing you. Getting you to realise that when you do not get the answer you desire, the answer you want, that He is not only there with you and working things out for your good, training your muscles and helping you see but also letting you realise that when you do not see him in the way you expect, He is still there. He might be behind the cloud, close but covered, but still there. So you come to know, learn, to have Faith in His Nature.

So that when you do not hear from Him, or when you do not hear from Him how you expect, or in what you expect you must have faith in His Unchanging Nature. And in the first place, in any situation, you must know that He is there with you. Even when you mess up, the instant you repent truly, He comes running. And though the things around you might not change how you expect, you must know that He is working everything out for your good and everything, even EVERYTHING would fall in place eventually. Why? Because that is His Nature.

An enemy that comes closer than a friend... (2)

As I went back into myself to help myself and reached outwards to my Creator but finding him deep within, I realized that I had lost many ‘friends’ for my behavior. Whether or not they were worth keeping in the first place was another cup of tea because the same behaviour that brought many questionable friends was the same that brought the most questionable in conscience, vision or the fear of God. Not saying much for me, eh?

Some had chased me away the best way they knew how- in some instances, in the strongest way possible. I should have known those who stuck had to be at best, strange and at worst, dishonourable. I had wondered why this particular ‘friend’ had stuck. I realized, it was never to help me through, though they were willing to listen- listening was to give them ‘ammo’. I realized it was never to see me overcome. It was just to keep me bound so they could always come and get something; get something for themselves one way or another.

Deluded, they needed me blind. Conscienceless, they needed me spiritually dead. I had reviled the ones who had chased me away. Today, I thank them- they would have got me thinking. Not the same old placid silent killer I had nurtured, loved and looked out for while I deteriorated.

I have since realised you don’t spend hours on the phone, days on end with any human without a vision. I have since realised the drive or ambition of a human is useless to me when not embedded in God. I have since realised that not everyone who comes after you cares for you.

I have come to realise that while it is common knowledge that ‘money don’t buy class’, I had had to learn the lesson that the wrong kind of people cut across black suits, rig overalls and blue coveralls.

I have come to realise that there are people who would stick close to you not because they care but just because they want to use you; because of what they can get from you. But these are of lesser worry to those who stick around you to your detriment- not just to take from you but would willingly destroy you. There are people who stick around you and depending on where you are, you are going to be turned against your own self.

It is left to you to take responsibility for yourself. Be a Victor not a victim. No one ever is a victim. A set of happenstances allowed sets them up for that. But no one is ever a victim…

… And I have also realized that I am a Queen destined for greatness; that I have the seed of God in me and no human defines me. That I have fought battles that few can understand, being through things that would destroy many, ate from the hands of snakes and I am still standing-  because God made it so!

To His glory I realise that anyone too blind to see these strengths in me, anyone who would set me up, anyone who would use my weaknesses against me is not a friend- is worth neither my time nor my effort.

I know who I am on the inside. I know where I am going. Most importantly, I know the God that I serve. I have no excuses, no apologies…

No to an enemy that comes closer than a friend... Not to anybody.

An enemy that comes closer than a friend.... (1)

How did Eve get caught? By opening her mouth (and heart) to Satan!

The devil is still using the same old tactics today- different packaging, different vessels, different time but the same old tactics.

I had a ‘friend’ recently who wouldn’t budge. Despite my better judgments, instincts to the contrary and countless warnings I refused to let this person go, cut them off.

Of course, the fact that they said all the nice things didn’t help. I had issues big time! I was reactionary, zealous sans knowledge, idealistic without the slightest clue on how to go about life and emotional to the extreme- yeah, the complete mix for volatility- unstable, actually.

The worst part of it was I had a conscience to go with it. Not just a conscience but an extremely gentle (weak?) one. I would bleed within for every misdemeanor for days on end. I would cry for actions I deemed (deemed, being the key word here) callous. I would vow never to repeat it again- until the next time. It was killing me! I was self-destructing it seemed.

In a relationship, the love I had to offer was toxic and the relationship abusive at best, it seemed (seemed, again being the key word).

Then I chose this person because they seemed to understand me; to let down my defenses with, to trust, to open up to (definitely, cursed is the man that trusts in the arm of flesh! Jer. 17:5) I had spent hours on end for days on end talking to this person that they knew exactly what to do with me- and it wasn’t nice.

While I killed myself for my reactions to signs I should simply have walked away from, I also endeared this person to myself with the mindset that they were the only friend I had. They understood me- knew the worst and still cared (I thought!). Guard your heart with all diligence (Prov. 4:23) was a scripture that stayed in the bible and not in my life, apparently.

By the time I realized that the only reason this person stuck around was because I was vulnerable, gullible and extremely easy to manipulate I was well gone. My own sense of guilt was the exact ‘tar’ needed to keep me forever indebted to them instead of walking away from insidious manipulations, looking for a way to sort myself out, finding the source of this strange behavior and be free. They stuck close- closer than any friend, for their own agenda and desires while I beat myself over the head for my nasty behavior.

It turned out I needed healing- in areas far more reaching than I cared to know. The devil had insidiously woven himself into my mind but when God was ready to set me free, one false slip was all it took. There had been more than enough false slips before… But this time it was time.

To be continued...

The Little Girl's Dream

I was a little girl once with a very big dream. I wanted clean, I wanted pure but I also never saw the deceit in life. I paid dearly for that.

Now I find myself a grown woman, bruised and battered, wind tossed and hurting. Still I can’t find the accolades, the claps that come from a partner saying ‘well done for you stand’- their derision maybe. Maybe even their pomp and sense of self importance. But never a well done.

Well, I know now that what does not kill you makes you stronger. People will walk all over you, if you let them. They will not say sorry.

So what now?

I realise my life is not any body’s business. You might think I am not good enough for you because of where I have been but I can also categorically say, I owe you no apologies. You can say ‘no’ just as well as I can move on.

Yeah, I’ve been there, so what? Why should I talk about where I have been? I’m reaching forward and you are pulling me back, asking me to recount my past. After you hear it you want to put me down, draw me down, conclude I am not good enough.

Honestly, I don’t care what you think- at least, not any more. I don’t owe you an explanation and if my future, my plans are not interesting enough for you, then maybe we have no business being together.

I am sorry. Not for the things I’ve done. Not for the places I’ve been. But for ever thinking I should explain these to anyone.

You ask me, Am I proud of where I’ve been? Am I glad for some things I have done? I reply, it’s none of your business. I owe you no apology. If you care for who I am, If you care for where I’m headed, then I’ll check and see if you are right.

If you are, then you may come along. If you aren’t, then you may fall off. But don’t you ever ask me about where I have been, about my past because it is none of your business.

Yes, I was a little girl once with a very big dream. And now I am an adult bruised and battered. Damaged goods you say? I say, nay- but a survivor, a victor still headed for that little girl’s dream.