Where have I been? Even I can not say. I doubt I know myself, the dank, deep depths I have been or what the devil had planned for further. From a very young age I knew God. It was a deep, practically tangible, solid 'knowing. It was a priviledge. Like most priviledges though, I took it for granted.
Knowing God meant I couldn't go the way of the world. It meant I wouldn't 'fit'. I sold my relationship with God and threatened my birthright with Him so I could 'fit' in. 'Fit' into what? The lies and the illusion that is the world that we live in.
I did things because they were expected. I borrowed slangs and attitudes that made me fit in. Inside me I knew I never really fit. The fact that I was not meant to be where I was, not meant to do what I did, nagged and bit at me until I would return back to God.... and then promptly go back to the world. Why? Because I never knew who I was or why I believed these 'things' that so kept me from living the world's 'good' life. I did not know who I was.
So started my journey in rising and falling, forward and backward movements and short spurts of shorter lived growth. I would think if the devil had let me find what I wanted and given me peace, maybe allowed me live the life I wanted to live, fitting into the world without disturbing me, I might have been lost to God forever. Or maybe not!
Even when it seemed I did get what I wanted I did not have peace. Even when it did not make sense, I knew I was wrong. The ways of God, never did make sense to mortal man. How we thought, ever could think and still think we could fit God into and grasp Him in our finite brains, beats me! The infinite God, to be summarised by finite man! Laughable!
Somehow, sometimes, I would get my wish... and I would leave it. Longing for it, usually returning to it repeatedly but never fully staying in it or having peace in it, I would detach with much pain. The longings would rarely if ever stop immediately. Somehow, I would trudge on. Mistake after, mistake, fall after fall, shame after shame. Until...
He arrested me one day. I had been praying for deliverance. I needed to be set free from mindsets, from things that were just not right, from attitudes I knew were bringing me more trouble and causing me more pain than all their manifestations put together. I knew there was an underlying cause. That day I had been confused again. Crying for help I had sought the one person I should have ran away from. A person who needed God, played God in my life and spurned, ridiculed and put me to shame. Maybe that was the day God decide He had taken enough that a daughter of Zion be rendered incapacitated. I cried that day and told God my helplessness. Like a dog kicked in and ridden over, I shriveled before my Creator and Master. I had sold out my birthright. If I were to receive judgement, death would have been the least I was due. Yet, I cried out. Knowing I was created better, for better, yet shriveling like a cornered animal. I lived not for the lie that I had lived but for the life that He had deposited in me.
Something began that day- the end of the last of a long line of masters I had self confessed not because they could ever be my masters nor ever were but because I had rather hand over the reins of my life to pets I had beefed up so I could live the delusions I wanted so badly to believe. While deluding myself with illusions I wanted to live, I primed them up. Now I dont kow what is happening. I just know that God is on the Throne and He reigns Larger than ever; larger than life itself on my heart. I want Him in and never out.
To be continued...
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